“Ongepatshket” Describes it Perfectly

A number of years ago after reading Nancy Mitford, I discovered the entire Mitford family and the writings of younger sister Jessica, or Decca, as she was known. I found her to be remarkable because she was so smart and wrote so well in spite of having had the limited education designed for proper young ladies within the English aristocracy during a time when women’s education was considered a waste.

Jessica ran away from home and eventually ended up in California’s Bay Area, integrating Oakland and becoming a muckraking journalist. She tackled a lot of issues, but one of the most charming is The American Way of Death (available now as The American Way of Death Revisited).

The first time I read this book, I contacted a friend who was a funeral director. “Are you familiar?” He: “She’s a radical!”

She was hardly militant, but her research was in-depth, and the book was met with such success that she was asked to speak to a number of groups, exposing the claims and promises of an industry, which deals with survivors at the most emotionally trying times of their lives.

She exposed the over-reaching claims of embalming, and she addressed the perpetual care culture of a number of chain cemeteries. In fact, she named the nearest cemetery to where I currently live as one of the guiltiest, and even though Revisited came out years ago, I cannot forget her claim whenever I drive past those white statues standing out front.

I have friends who have family members buried there, and I’ve been to the cemetery several times. There’s not a high population of dead celebrities, but the traffic going through the place is as if four recent Oscar winners and an overdosed Grammy singer are sprinkled about the Reverence, Radiance and Remembrance sections like parsley on an omelet. The cemetery culture encourages family members to drive out time and again as if the deceased haven’t died, but have simply moved to a basement studio with a mountain view.

I’m planning to go to science if they’ll have me. I’ve never liked the idea of being buried. How can I trust they won’t throw me in too early and I wake up? Being buried alive is a far greater fear than anything I could have thought of regarding cremation, and the thought of all those parties at the cemetery, which I’d be missing, seems utterly cruel.

To clarify what I mean about parties at the cemetery, I’ve been witnessing a phenomenon I’ve only seen in Los Angeles. I never went to cemeteries in San Diego, and I’ve only seen this strange occurrence in Los Angeles County, and in particular at this burial ground near my home. Whoever came up with the idea of picnicking on a grave? Yes, at Hollywood Forever Cemetery near Paramount Studios, you can bring lawn chairs and blankets to watch films while laid across graves of Hollywood icons, but sprawling across a row of graves for a family outing brings good judgment into question.

Growing up, I didn’t visit graves unless I were there for another burial. I was unaware that somewhere across the country people were spreading blankets across graves to lounge with their dearly departed.

Then there are the holidays. You have to see the place decked out at Christmas with candy cane fences, garland rope, artificial snow (it is Southern California after all) and Christmas trees. It’s enough to get the house decorated without the pressure of adorning a burial spot. At that point the dead are more demanding than they ever were in life.

Shabby chic or just shabby?
Shabby chic or just shabby?

There is a delightful Yiddish word, which perfectly describes something that is overdone and extremely tacky: ongepatshket. And I have seen more ongepatshket on a row of graves than Disneyland uses on Main Street during December. I’m okay with a poinsettia for each headstone in the family plot, but Santa and his animatronic reindeer belong in a shopping center rather than a final resting place.

Gathering around Maw-maw's grave on Mother's Day. A fine day for a cookout.
Gathering around Maw-maw’s grave on Mother’s Day. A fine day for a cookout.

There are other holidays to celebrate at this burial ground on the side of the freeway. The sight of an old RV parked near a family sitting around a hibachi on Maw-Maw’s grave led me to conclude that Mother’s Day, while a day of remembrance, is more casual than Christmas, Valentine’s and Armistice Day. It makes me wonder what decorations are allowed for Halloween. I would hope they frown on creepy hands appearing to dig themselves out of a grave.

I’m bracing for reader feedback from those who think I’ve been mean and uncaring, but as the local cemetery continues to expand and lay new sod at a rapid pace, I’m comfortable knowing that I won’t be taking up space when the time comes. I don’t need a marker so people can find me. Better to have no marker than to ask, as I did on a previous visit, “Who were Benny and Estelle Hagerty (1898—1946 and 1902—1989, respectively), and why did they choose to be buried two feet from the curb?

© 2015 by Patrick Brown

Visit my author page at http://www.amazon.com/Patrick-Brown/e/B005F0CYH2/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1419885131&sr=8-1 to learn about my books “Moral Ambiguity” and “Tossed Off the Edge.”

7 Replies to ““Ongepatshket” Describes it Perfectly”

  1. Such a perfect description of how I feel.
    Cremation for me and doug
    Hope you are well

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A picnic on a grave? Give me a break. Never heard or thought of doing that. It’s a little too weird for me! Thanks for sharing, I now feel enlightened. I’ll be telling my family, NO PICNICS!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Fascinating, Patrick. I have similar memories of the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I lived in Hollywood during the ’70’s on Gordon Street — two blocks away from the cemetery. Visits, picnics, movies at the Cemetery were commonplace and I even observed Dita Flame, the ORIGINAL original “Lady in Black” a couple of times on her visits to Valentino’s grave. There were dozens of “Ladies in Black” who claimed the title, but Dita was the one that Valentino actually asked when she was a little girl to visit his grave so he wouldn’t be alone. Ah, Hollywood. As for Mitford I loved “Love In A Cold Climate” but remember her specifically for bringing my attention to the different vocabularies spoken by the “U” [Upper Class] and “Non-U” [Common Class] in Edwardian England and for sometime thereafter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You pack so much into a paragraph! Where do I begin? Amazing that you saw Dita Flame, and we must discuss more about the Mitfords. To this day I say “curtains” as opposed to drapes or window treatments because curtains are U and drapes are Non-U. Miss Mitford would’ve thought a window treatment described how well it was cleaned.


  4. The parties, the decorations, and even the fake snow don’t bother me. What gives me a red rump is the amount of loved ones I wish we’re the ones burried more than the alive ones visiting.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am half Sicilian and half Southern Italian. And for a culture which sings O Sole Mio, That’s Amore, and believes in La Dolce Vita, it’s preoccupation with death and cemeteries is worrisome. As young kids, my brother and I were dragged twice a month to “visit” Mom’s brothers and her mom. It was creepy. Although, while poor Mom was tearfully kneeling with a Rosary in her hands, Lawr and I would sneak off to our favorite spot to hop and jump from one sarcophagus to another. Now, that was fun. Then there was Dad’s mom who talked my parents into buying a two-for-one “next door” to hers so they could have “cookies and coffee every night after dinner.” Now that Mom and Dad are gone, however, I really hope that they do get together with their loved ones for dessert and a little gossip.

    Liked by 1 person

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